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It isn't lessening.

I miss you. I miss our talks especially. Any and everything. I wish it wasn't like this but it is what it has become. Trust has been replaced by the hurt. I know I should forgive but words and actions are real. So I will continue to take the weird politeness and strained effort because maybe one day I won't miss you. And hopefully if that day comes, it will because you're back, completely.
When your worst fears come true because of choices you made, are you, in some sort of ass backwards way, a self fulfilling prophecy? Was that really your destiny or was the thought of something bigger and different so scary that going back to what you know was the only way to get some control and "calm" back in your life?

I tried to be there to let you know you weren't alone and had options because I thought it was what you needed and wanted. But it wasn't. So I hope your need for control and calmness ultimately gives you that happiness you're needing in your life.

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What do they say about glass houses?

It's funny how the people who have NO BUSINESS offering advise or opening their mouths want to comment on your life. They are usually the first ones to say, "Well, had you listened.." or "I knew that wasn't going to work because...." I just don't get it. Just because you hate your life or are in a dysfunctional relationship or have a shitty job, it doesn't give you the right to force what you wish you could have done or said to not be in this situation upon anyone else. So over people not thinking before they speak. But then maybe it is time to start questioning why are you saying this. Because you didn't do this and you wish you had? Because it you did it and it worked so well for you? Please explain why you are saying this.

But then again maybe it's time to just say, "I really just need you to listen and not try to "fix" anything." That seems to missing a lot from people lately. Or maybe it's time to keep quiet and not bring anyone, regardless of their status in your life, into your business. But with human nature, is that really an option?

Time for bed.

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Same story.

Just when you think you aren't too sure about something, the universe decides for you. When that happens all you can say is, "it's just as well". While you know it is probably better, it doesn't mean it won't kill you slowly on the inside. Like it always does.

A Day of Love.

Happy Valentine's Day. I love this day but yet again people disappoint. Friends, lovers, family. Each one different but oh so the same. This brings me to question if we are only allowed the same kind of people to be around us. Or maybe expecting anything from anyone is entirely too much.

So much for writing more. I have been busy but not that busy. Just have to learn to limit the internet and the constant cleaning. I need to start putting books BACK into my purse instead of only when I am on the bus. My journal too.

I also got a smart phone the other day. For those that don't know me, this is HUGE. I don't want my bill to go up. I just need to text and check my email. Well, the phone I got actually didn't require me to do anything but buy it! So I get it on Wednesday and we will see how it goes. It's an Android phone which I have no clue about but it's still my beloved Samsung brand AND a full keyboard!! That is my favorite part! But if I don't like it I have 10 days and can get the iPhone instead lol.

People suck.

It feels good to know I am not alone. For awhile, it felt like I was. But a recent conversation has made me feel better. Made me realize doing me is important and my feelings matter and are valid.

I woke up unable to breathe and heavy, watery eyes. I really hope I am not getting sick. I have a bunch of shit to do in the next week. None of it Super Bowl related either. I don't give a fuck about that. While I am on that subject, just want to say a lovely "I TOLD YOU SO" to all the Cardinal fans saying this team is going places. They went places alright. HOME. 1st round. And before anyone goes and starts in on the Suns, my team makes a CONSTANT effort to be a good, WINNING team, TRYING, EVERY YEAR to make the playoffs. And while for a few years the management lost sight of that goal, they are back on track. The Bidwill family continues to be a cheap organization only caring about dollars and not quality. I wish they would have left. Very few people would have cared.

I think I will catch up on some Castle today. Well, when I an not sleeping. It is one of those days. Just don't feel like doing much. I should clean since I am going to Tucson next week. But I think I will wait. It's been a rough week. At work and in other areas. I fail to understand why people suck. Is it that hard to pay attention, be considerate, be honest, and communicate with each other? Calling someone out on their lack of any of above proves though it is a very hard concept. One that often gets me with nothing but silence. I like to hope speaking up makes a difference but it's doubtful. No apologies and explainations for their actions prove me right. But at the very least it's something you HOPE you made them think about for the next person to enter their life.

Read more, be stupid less.

resolution

It's funny because I wanted to add "Read more" to my list from yesterday. Then I did that quiz and got that. So yeah. Going to do that. It was a huge part of my life and I miss it.

What I need to do less of is being a SFG. Stop falling for dudes not here. Stop confusing visits and calls and texts and all other words from meaning more than what they are: fucking words. Stop making the effort to be in their life when they aren't making the effort to be in yours. Stop with love. It's overrated. Yes, MY view is jaded but then I look around me and all I see are examples of what you shouldn't be or do in a relationship. It is not very encouraging. And trying to make sense of everything just seems to makng it worse.

Whatever. I am way too exhausted. I am way surprised I made it through the Suns game tonight. They were the good seats from work so I had better pay attention. Good win. Gonna watch some SportsCenter and call it a night.

A New Year.

Happy New Year.

I wanted to go out but then another wave of emotions and panic hit me and I knew I couldn't be out. So I stayed home and rang in the new year watching Supernatural season 1 with Jordan via Skype. It was nice. Simple. I hate this day but I thought after last year I was ok. I guess thinking about the past year lately and all the hurt and heartache it caused was too much. This past year had its good and bad. But it's done. All that is left to do is not think and keep on movin'.

I want to do a lot this year. Write more. Get this back to paid and used more. Go back to school. Volunteer at the library or music school. Go more places. Move. Pay off some bills. Maybe get my license? It's a big list. Let's see what we can check off in 364 days.

I miss you, Ida.

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Disappointed is my new middle name.

All that keeps happening to me lately is disappointment. Definitely over it and people. And while I understand stuff happens, just once, I would like to believe people have actually tried. I don't ask for much & I don't need much but apparently giving up their time for me is too much. I guess it's partly my fault though for always just being down and there for whatever, I would expect the same courtesy. People just suck. Expect nothing and be grateful when you do get something.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Two words.

Two words can either break you or give you hope.

Miss you.

Miss - notice the loss or absence of.

You = me.

Noticing the loss of me. What does that mean? What of me are you missing? Are you missing me like you miss your favorite food in passing? Or are you missing my physical presence? My being how I am or how it is when we are together? I am so confused. I don't know what it means. All I know is I can't get my hopes up or think the worst. I just have to wait for an answer and then go from there.